As of December 26, MetalSucks is fifteen years old. More than twelve of those years, the site has done well enough to be our full-time jobs.
More importantly, today is my fortieth birthday. Which means the myriad of death threats we’ve received since starting this site in our twenties haven’t manifested. Time to pop the cork on the mid-range champagne our lawyer sent us for Christmas!
All of this being the case, I thought now was a good time to take stock of my life’s work (this will be the 21,241st post I’ve written for MS). Vince already took a look back at some our of collective proudest moments; this list is going to concentrate solely on myself, because I am my favorite person. Let it serve as a reminder to you all how goddamn motherfucking special I am and how lucky you’ve all been to have me.
A lot of these posts are mean because a) I’m a very judgmental person and b) I think mean humor is funny. A lot of them also contain jokes and phrases I would never, ever make today, because fifteen years is a long time, and people change.
ANYWAY, I’m flattered if you do or have in the past enjoyed any of these. In fact, I’m flattered if you’ve ever read them all, even if you hated them. I never thought anyone would read this ridiculous site, I never thought anyone would take our opinions seriously, I still don’t understand why anyone cares what we have to say, I happen to think we get it “right” more often than not, I happen to think a lot of these are pretty funny, and, last but certainly not least, I get paid regardless.
So. Go fuck yourselves.
40. NSFW: Rare Footage of Axl Rosenberg in Public
I didn’t write this one, but I did have to field the e-mails from industry people who thought it was real, so that was pretty, uh, enlightening.
39. Holy Crap, You Guys Have to Hear Iwrestledabearonce
This headline has aged well.
38. Sebastian Bach: The MetalSucks Interview
This is homophobic. It’s also funny and accurate.
37. Now You Eat It, Putz
The beginning of a long, long history of me being right about everything all the time.
36. Bassist Quits L.A. Guns
I don’t know why it brings me such joy to cover L.A. Guns. It just does.
35. Fred Durst: Still a Moron
The beginning of a long history of cruelly dissecting nonsensical statements from musicians. This is still my favorite thing to do.
34. Orgy Fall $93,000 Short of Crowdfunding Goal
Still a useful lesson in how not to do crowd-funding.
33. White Lion Reunion Jokes
I don’t know why this makes me laugh so hard. It just does.
32. Burton Seabell Jokes
People get SO upset about this, it delights me every time.
31. Completely Unreadable Band Logo of the Week
I’ve been doing these almost as long as MetalSucks has existed. I don’t know how I haven’t run out of logos. In any case, this one remains the funniest, IMO.
30. Chinese Democracy: The MetalSucks Review
I stand by this. (And yes, I know what Logic is. It was a joke, you jerks.)
29. What if Whitfield Crane Joined Anthrax?
Somehow this editorial, which in no way posited Whitfield Crane was joining Anthrax, still started a rumor that he was, indeed, the band’s new singer. The beginning of my long history accidentally making Anthrax’s life difficult.
28. Board to Death
I dunno why we stopped doing these but they were pretty funny.
27. As I Lay Dying Launch Totally Useless Media Player
His name was Tim Lambesis.
26. Exclusive Excerpt From the Personal Diary of Tim Lambesis
But seriously, fuck this guy.
35. The Thought-Provoking Poetry of Max Cavalera
I mean.
34. The 50 Best Ways to Piss Off a Metalhead
Trust me. I know a little something about this.
23. Having a Rough Day? Try Hatebreed Motivational Posters!
I still think they should make these for real.
22. Rigged: Slipknot Percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan
Completely forgot about this one. Still pretty goddamn funny.
21. Drummer Mark Castillo Receives Cochlear Implant, Quits Emmure
This was one of the too-rare times when my inbox was subsequently flooded with complimentary e-mails from people in the industry. I don’t know why this joke was so well-received, other than that people really, really hate Emmure.
20. Three Reasons Why Metallica’s Through the Never Failed at the Box Office
The lead singer of one of my most favoritest bands told me he sent this article to everyone he knows. I could have happily died then.
19. BREAKING: Ex-Suffokate Vocalist Ricky Hoover Successfully Undergoes Earlobe Reconstructive Surgery
I wonder what it’s like to be more famous for your earlobes than for your music?
18. Metallica’s St. Anger Was Released Ten Years Ago Today
I believe this to be one of my better-written pieces of criticism.
17. Snarknotes: “Drug Dealer Friend” by Emmure
This was so good no other ‘Snarknotes’ ever topped it.
16. I Watched Rock of Ages so You Don’t Have To
No. Really. Don’t watch it.
15. Let’s Argue About Iron Maiden Album Art
I still think I made some great points here.
14. Does Anyone Know What the Hell Clown from Slipknot is Talking About?
I still don’t.
13. Matt Pike’s Top Ten T-Shirts
Some people HATE this post. I actively feel bad for those people.
12. What If Metal Album Covers Were Truthful?
This was early in the days of me teaching myself how to use Photoshop. I think it’s hold up fairly well, save for one joke that is in very poor taste.
11. Review: Megadeth’s Super Collider is a Super Catastrophe
WOOF.
10. Danny Worsnop is a Good Writer
I like to think I’m responsible for Worsnop never finishing his memoir.
9. Hey Guys, Did You Know That Virgin Steele are From Long Island?
Sometime I read this when I’m feeling down and it cheers me up. So that’s something.
8. Editorial: The Metal Community Must Stop Letting Phil Anselmo Off the Hook for His Racist Remarks
This one isn’t funny. But I’m glad I said it.
7. Nazi Imagery: Why Watain and Marduk Don’t Get a Pass While Slayer and Metallica Do
This one also isn’t funny. It’s just something I struggle with a lot, and I know other fans struggle with a lot, and writing it was helpful in terms of sorting out of my own thoughts on the matter.
6. Exclusive Band Meeting Transcript: Morbid Angel Decide to Release Illud Divinum Insanus Remix Album
I maintain that this is 100% factual.
5. The 25 Most Important People in Metal: #1, Axl Rosenberg
If you took this seriously, congratulations, you’re an idiot.
4. Joey Jordison Claims He Was Fired from Slipknot Via a Singing Telegram
The amount of people who thought this was real, and the level of consternation it caused behind-the-scenes, remains both baffling and hilarious.
3. Metallica. Tool. Slipknot.
Metallica Tool Slipknot Metallica Tool Slipknot Metallica Tool Slipknot Metallica Tool Slipknot.
2. Frankie Palmeri’s Track By Track Breakdown of the New Emmure Album: A Track By Track Breakdown
1. Former Attack Attack! Bassist John Holgado is the Stupidest Human Being Ever
These are both extremely cruel. I also happen to think they’re funny as fuck. They both lead to an influx of complimentary e-mails from industry people and neither resulted in any blowback, save for a plausible-but-unconfirmed rumor about Frankie Palmeri wanting to beat me senseless. Point being, these two posts represent both the best and the worst aspects of my personality, and somehow, that makes me proud.
Continue the celebration of the glory that is I in the comments section below.