Alright, you remember that divine experience I mentioned in last week’s column? It turned out to be total bullshit, so forget I said anything.
I thought I could let it ride and reached out to my daughter Jessica to see if she wanted to reconnect, and she in so many words told me to go fuck myself. I figure if God had actually revealed Himself to me He would’ve at least let me speak to my libtard daughter again, but maybe I’m a fucking idiot.
The whole thing was probably a side effect from the Lipitor I started taking last week. Shit’s making me loopier than a goddamn shit house rat. It’s a shame, too. I’d have made a fucking excellent prophet, but looks like I’m gonna have to go the opposite route.
As such, here’s the new album by Archgoat.
Track 1: Invocation 666
Oooh, this is promising. All hail Satan!
Track 2: Nightbringer, Lightbringer
Don’t get me wrong, my newfound heretical status does not preclude me from thinking this song sucks shit. Singing sounds like a goddamn AMC Gremlin struggling to start. Am I required to like this just because I hate God now? If so, time to put on a happy face.
Track 3: The Dawn to Armageddon
Ugh, I haven’t seen my grandkids Lilianne and Connor in almost six years. Jessica’s probably got them specifying their pronouns on their math tests or whatever the fuck. They all have me blocked on Facebook, too, so they can’t see all the Kevin Sorbo tweet screenshots I’ve been sharing. Those poor kids are so effed.
Track 4: Iconoclasm the Nazarene
Alright, back to it. Is it just me, or is that album art a little too explicit? Nevermind, nevermind! I momentarily forgot about my newfound apostasy. I like this song, I think.
Track 5: Blood of Jesus Spilling Upon the Earth
Yep, way too explicit.
Track 6: The Stygian Millenium
You know, if you slowed down this beginning riff and maybe tuned it up a bit it would sound a bit more tolerable. Maybe recruited Paul Rodgers on vocals? I’m just spitballing here. Trying to help the Satanists out, that’s it.
Track 7: Invocation 999
Backwards speech?! Didn’t Tipper Gore and the PMRC teach us ANYTHING?! I’m starting to regret turning from God.
Track 8: Keys of Hell and of Death
Oh Christ, what the hell am I doing listening to this? I’m so sorry, God. I swear this must be the Lipitor again. Goddamnit, I really need to get off that shit.
Track 9: The Light Behind the Horns
I need this to end as soon as possible. I’ll have Doreen start up the car and get us over to Faith Lutheran before it’s too late.
Track 10: Reaper of Christianity
Ugh, how many songs are on this fucking album?!
Track 11: Obsidian Reflection of Anti-Light
OK, last track. Thank God. Sorry if my little crisis is keeping me from objectively reviewing this music. I hate it, for the record.
There you have it. For the sake of my immortal soul, 0/5 stars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head to church to wash the stink of the infernal one from my person. Hopefully there’s a new Stryper album that I can review next week to offset this. Dave Mustcomplain out.