Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Fair warning before I do this review: I’ve had a real bummer of a week. First off, my shitting wife Doreen capped me off at three Busch Lights a week on account of the fact that my heart threw a bitch fit a month back. Says she’s worried I’m going to finally give up the ghost and leave her all alone. I told her I’d go ahead and eat a fucking shotgun if she continues to boss me around like that, because at least then I’d get some peace and quiet. Sent her crying as she ran into the bedroom, which is fine by me since it kept her from squawking in my ear.
To cap it all off, I have to write another review for you virgin mouthbreathers. Meh, at least it’s a distraction from my dumpster fire of a marriage, so I’ll try to concentrate real hard on this one. Here’s the new album by Deathgrave.
Track 1: “Hell is Evil”
Who’d have thought upchucking your scrotal fluid into a microphone could be so varied? I hear a very low growl, a very high growl, and a middle of the road yell. Not that I like it. In fact, I hate it.
Track 2: “Hard to Swallow”
I’m going to go ahead and put “looking up the lyrics to this song” dead last on my list of priorities. My creep of an editor at MetalSucks told me that this band is heavily influenced by another band called Autopsy, as if that means a fucking thing to me.
Track 3: “I Am Here”
You know what? This track isn’t so bad. Just kidding.
Track 4: “Born from Death”
If money wasn’t so tight right now, I’d treat the MetalSucks staff to a field trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame over in Cleveland. I bet those freaks would stop giving a toss about this shit after hearing some Eagles or Aerosmith, and they’d all thank me for the privilege. I’d be a goddamned hero.
Track 5: “Smaller and Smaller”
No interest in the lyrics to this one either. Thank Christ you weenies don’t have my email address, because I know you’d all get off on sending them to me.
Track 6: “It’s Only Midnight”
God, I wish I was listening to “After Midnight” by Eric Clapton right now. Now that’s a musician, with some fantastic views on politics and science as well. I doubt any of the latte-swigging limpdicks reading this site appreciate him, though. Fucking shame.
Track 7: “Yaws 3D”
Someone should tell this drummer to take a breather. Maybe lay off the kick a little bit, or even join another band entirely. This song’s gonna make me shit my pants again.
Track 8: “Your Pain Is Ready”
Yes, I said “again.” I did brown the Wranglers a bit when I had my heart attack. Doc told me it’s common, and anyway, our President does it all the time, and he’s the greatest American to ever live, so suck it.
Track 9: “Won’t See You in Heaven”
That’s for goddamn sure. This band doesn’t strike me as the godly type. I’d personally witness to them, but that’d mean I’d have to put up with this shit in Heaven, too. My apologies, but it’s not gonna happen.
Track 10: 27B/6
Can’t believe I just now looked at the album art. What’s with that multi-mouthed Mogwai? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. I’m just happy to be done with this.
Gonna start a new rating system here. This album gets 5/5 turds. How’s that for positivity? See you shitweasels next week. Dave Mustcomplain out.