Greetings all, Dave Mustcomplain, back and better than ever. If you weren’t aware, I had a little health scare a couple weeks ago when my heart decided to suddenly take a shit. Here I am, though, basically 100% now. I did piss myself when I walked past the microwave the other day, so the doc must’ve put in a pacemaker while I was out. Would’ve been nice of her to tell me, but what’re you gonna do. I’m just glad my decades-long ignorance of the Food Pyramid and completely sedentary lifestyle hasn’t sent me into the loving bosom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ yet. Nope, I’m here for the foreseeable future, and to make sure you worthless turds appreciate me, here’s a review of the new album by Electric Callboy. I haven’t even looked at the cover of it yet, and I can already state with confidence that it sucks shit.
Track 1: “TANZNEID”
Good fucking Lord.
Track 2: “RATATATA”
This sounds like that obnoxious “Gangnam Style” song that my daughter Jessica showed me about 15 years ago. I thought it was garbage then, and I think this is garbage now. The fact that it’s reminding me of my libtard daughter who now refuses to answer my phone calls is only making me angrier. Thanks a lot, MetalSucks.
Track 3: “HYPERCHARGED”
Is this what heavy metal is nowadays? Christ, I didn’t think it could get any worse than that Satan-worshiping shit Tipper Gore warned us about back in the eighties. At least that music didn’t sound like fucking Daft Punk.
Track 4: “Let the Good Times Roll”
“Featuring the Offspring,” as if that means a fucking thing to me. I’m starting to wish that heart attack had done me in.
Track 5: “Elevator Operator”
A more open-minded man than myself would chalk this up to me just getting old and out of touch, but I think that’s a bunch of beans. I’m only 63 and I still fuck like a goddamn Olympian. It’s the younger generations that are objectively wrong for enjoying this audial dysentery.
Track 6: “Heartclub”
I’d better finish this up soon before my ticker decides to throw another hissy fit. Looks like it’ll just be Seals and Crofts in the car for the next week to calm me down. No need to tempt fate.
Track 7: “The Way You Are”
Did I stumble into a New Kids on the Block song or some shit? This can’t be the same band that was just screaming at me one track ago.
Track 8: “Still Waiting”
Yeah, I’m still waiting for this album to end. 8 songs should be the standard, boys. I can’t believe I still have a couple more to go.
Track 9: “The Savior”
There’s only one Savior worth singing about, and I assure you He wouldn’t appreciate this song. I’ll do Electric Callboy a favor and include them in my prayers tonight. They’re lucky I’m gracious enough to do that.
Track 10: “Revery”
Oh, cool. The last song sounds like something from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Honestly, I kind of appreciate it. I had been starting to hyperventilate, and this was a good comedown. Still hate it, though.
0/5 stars. Now fuck off and let me enjoy the rest of my week. I’ve got $300 on the Bears/Browns game this Saturday (don’t tell Doreen). Dave Mustcomplain out.