Alright, I’ve completely given up hope that MetalSucks is going to assign me a good goddamn album to review. They’re just going to keep pitching yesterday’s partially digested release in my direction, and these reviews are going to get angrier and angrier as a result. You know what? Good. Fucking good. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel fantastic to lay into these shitting little brats who consider themselves musicians. Perhaps I would’ve done better by myself to get a job at a classic rock website or something, but you know what they say about hindsight.
Nevertheless, it’d probably be a lot easier on the ticker for me to review Who’s Next or something. And don’t you go bitching to me about their guitarist being a sex pest. People just carelessly throw that accusation around these days; just look at what they’re saying about our President just because he showed up in some silly document a few thousand times. But I digress, here’s my review of the new album by Motionless in White. Ugh.
Track 1: “Decades”
Sweet fucking Christ, I feel like I’m in a goth club scene from a nineties movie, and any second now Blade is going to storm in and kill me with a sword while blood sprays out of the ceiling sprinkler system. Don’t those pricks at MetalSucks give a toss that I’ve got essential hypertension? They’ll be footing the bill when I get my next heart attack, I’ll tell you that much.
Track 2: “log_in//crash_out”
Is this what metal is nowadays? At least AC/DC is still touring.
Track 3: “R.I.P. (feat. Skylar Grey)”
I like this singer’s voice, and I wish there was an accompanying video so I could comment “wow so beautiful AND talented,” but alas, I’m stuck here writing this shit rag. I can already tell this is the least insufferable song on the entire album, and I’ve still got 9 tracks left. Somebody fetch me my bottle of Excedrin.
Track 4: “Fight Like Hell”
I’m going to fight like hell to never hear another Motionless in White song after I finish this fucking article.
Track 5: “Playing God (feat. Corey Taylor)”
Apparently this guy wears a mask and sings in another band, like that’s supposed to mean anything to me. Maybe the mask is to hide his shame at singing this music, in which case, I get it.
Track 6: “All That I’ve Ever Known”
Oof, I’m starting to get some palpitations. This isn’t good.
Track 7: Blood Rave (feat. Anthony Martinez)
I can’t blame it entirely on this garbage music. Doreen’s been nagging at me about all the red meat I’ve been eating, but it’s not my fault those steak nuggets at Arby’s are so good. Been snacking on those tasty little fuckers all week, and I’d been feeling pretty good up until now, despite the fact that I haven’t taken a shit in this calendar month yet.
Track 8: “Love at First Bite”
God, these fucking goths thinking they’re vampires or some bullshit are definitely not helping with this little cardiological episode I’m having. No thank you. I would almost prefer the screaming to this.
Track 9: “Count Back From Zero”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I should go to the hospital. How many more songs are there?
Track 10: “Blood Pact”
This will be heart attack #4 if that’s what it is, and I’m seasoned enough in that field to be reasonably certain that’s the case. Too bad I’ll be dead because my priorities were with meeting my Metalsucks deadline. My blood is on their hands, and if this music is their thing, they’ll probably try to drink it. Woof, probably good that I’m on the way to meet my Maker.
Track 11: “Afraid of the Dark”
Alright, Doreen just grabbed the keys to my F-150 and is going to drive me to the hospital. Looks like you’re not going to hear my brilliant insight on the “Sunglasses at Night” cover that closes out this dung heap. Try not to look so disappointed.
There you have at it. 0/5, and even worse, I’m probably going to live after having had to listen to it. Shout out to my bitch of a wife for intervening and making sure of that. See you obnoxious shit weasels next week. Dave Mustcomplain out.