So, I just got back from that creepy little bastard of a therapist Doreen made me see after my third heart attack.
She didn’t like how often I scream at the TV, and was worried it could be contributing to my ticker issues. I told her she’d be able to rest easy if the Bears load their secondary with people who can actually cover the slot, but whatever. At least they’re not kneeling for the flag anymore, because that shit pissed me off something fierce. Going to the headshrinker gets me away from her non stop squawking for an hour every two weeks, so what the hell. Guy sure is a preachy fucker, and told me I’d be less stressed if I tried to keep an open mind about things, so what better place to start than with Soulburn’s newest album? Here goes nothing.
Track 1: “The Braveheart of Nightmares”
You know, this isn’t half bad, and I dig the album cover. Reminds me of something I would’ve hung on my bedroom wall when I was in high school back before I realized how harmful marijuana is. Ripping shame it’s being legalized everywhere, isn’t it? Kids today are straying further and further from Christ’s light. At least these guys aren’t growling like the goddamn Cookie Monster, and—welp, nevermind. There it is. Breathe, Dave. Find your center.
Track 2: “Powehi, The Embellished Dark Source of Unending Creation”
The song was all but finished by the time I finished typing it out. Whatever happened to being short, direct and to-the-point? I don’t recall anyone taking umbrage with titles like “Kashmir” or “Stranglehold.” I swear by God and Sunny Jesus I’m trying to keep an open mind, but MetalSucks isn’t giving me much to work with here.
Track 3: “A Pyramid Absurd”
What’s “absurd” here is me being given all these tunes to review, and not a single one of them is about cruisin’ on the highway or picking up chicks. Are metalheads just allergic to women?
Track 4: “An Impious Journey Through the Cathedral’s Mouth”
Maybe I’m being a little harsh, and I should take Dr. Barrett’s advice about the open-mindedness thing. I’m pretty sure I don’t have another survivable heart attack left in me, and there’s no way my food intake could be a factor. Everyone knows the all-beef diet works wonders. Just ask Joe Rogan; that guy really knows his shit.
Track 5: “Stalactites of Molten Flesh”
Alright, open-mindedness. I liked several things about this song. For one, it ended. Actually, that’s it. That’s the only thing I liked. Am I making progress?
Track 6: “M87 – What Hopes to Be Born?”
This is my favorite song so far because I didn’t hear any of that diarrhea-inducing screaming. Look at that! Am I the world’s newest Soulburn fan?
Track 7: “Iconox Spew Black at the Razor’s Edge”
Aahhhh, The Razor’s Edge by AC/DC. Remember that album? Why don’t we make my next editorial a Dave Mustcomplain retrospective, and I can kick back with a Schlitz and talk about how much I like “Mistress for Christmas”? My heart would certainly appreciate that. This song’s making me reach for the metoprolol.
Track 8: “Down Among the Stars”
Can I just skip this one? I’m going to, because it’s a medical necessity. If my editor over at MetalSucks has an issue with it, he can take it up with my labor attorney, by which I of course mean the business end of my Matterhorn I-Beam Met Guard Work Boot.
Track 9: “The Desolationist”
OK, I’m back. Time to attempt some more open-mindedness. I like the album artwork. Did I say that already? Fuck, I did. Really, I’m trying my best here.
Track 10: “In the Very Time That Will Rot Us”
Are they referring to the time I’m taking out of my day to listen to this album? If so, I wholeheartedly agree.
Track 11: “An Innocuous Swathe of Sky”
Had I proposed any of these song titles to my bandmates in my Kansas tribute band back in the day, I’d have been laughed out of my father’s garage. I guess that’s the difference between me and the participation trophy-displaying crybabies making today’s music.
That was a real journey, wasn’t it? 0/5 stars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink the calming tea Doreen made me, which I actually enjoy once I’ve added a couple nips of Old Crow. Until next time.