Alright you blue-haired freaks, be forewarned: I am not in a good mood. I just came from the Monro over at Eastland Drive, and the punk servicing my Ford F-150 seemed to find it appropriate to charge me $930 for new pads and rotors. That little prick got one hell of a sigh and disapproving look from me as I was taking out my wallet, I’ll tell you that much. Anyway, I don’t have the desire to listen to whatever schlock MetalSucks sees fit to toss in my direction today, and I sure as shit don’t feel like sugarcoating my opinions to keep from offending all the fragile petunias who read their site. Here’s my take on Injury Episode by Static Dress.Don’t like it? Good. Got a problem with me? Even better. Dave Mustcomplain is having a bad day and won’t hesitate to thump some skulls over it.
Track 1: “lose the rain”
Oh, this doesn’t sound promising.
Track 2: “questioning”
What’s with the static? This kind of reminds me of that Nine Inch Nails song with all those lewd lyrics that was all over the radio back in the nineties. Doreen and I wrote plenty of angry letters to the DJ at 105.7 The X over that one.
Track 3: “Pharmacy Film”
Should I just resign myself to the reality that all these bands are going to scream at me? Didn’t I make myself plain in my last review that I don’t consider it music? We all know cancel culture has run amok nowadays, so why don’t we toss these so-called “singers” into the mix? Lord knows they deserve to be fired more than my buddy Darrell did after he accidentally blurted out a couple choice words to the lady he rear-ended in the parking lot of Soldier Field up in Chicago. I had cautioned him that people are always filming respectable, God-fearing Americans out there. And you wonder why I never venture into that liberal hellscape.
Track 4: “Adapter”
This album better not have 14 songs like that one last week did, because I certainly don’t have the patience right now.
Track 5: “Nostalgia Kills”
Hard pass.
Track 6: “this farewell is a…”
Why did the last song give me a goddamn panic attack while this one makes me feel like I’m in The NeverEnding Story? If that flying dragon-dog thing suddenly picks me up, I’m soaring far away from wherever this band is from. You’d better believe it.
Track 7: “…hospice”
Welp, here’s one song on this turd-heap of a record that doesn’t completely turn my stomach. Sorry if that doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement, but it’s the best Dave Mustcomplain can do here.
Track 8: “lip critic”
This sounds like that trash my daughter Jessica used to blast in her room when she was a teenager. Anyway, Jessica, I’m sorry you were brainwashed by the liberal media and took umbrage with my Facebook post about the Home Depot’s mask policy back in 2020. When you finally come around, I’d love to be a presence in Lilianne and Connor’s lives again. I’ll even promise to try not to start any more fights at their piano recitals. Call me.
Track 9: “Male-bomb”
Christ, we’re past Track 8 and still going. I guess it’s easier to pump these fuckers out when you’re just spewing your guts into a microphone.
Track 10: “dull blade disguise”
To be honest, I barely heard this one. I’m still sore about my little ordeal at Monro this afternoon. Should’ve told that shitbag to bite my bird and taken my business elsewhere. That would’ve learned him.
Track 11: “Classic. Death. Pose”
No. Thank. You.
Track 12: “Adult Diamond”
This wasn’t too bad until that staticky Nine Inch Nails guitar reintroduced itself halfway through. Maybe these kids are just lost goths, so fuck it, I’ll toss in a prayer for their immortal souls at church this Sunday.
Track 13: “human props”
Do all these bands do the alternating singing/growling thing? Not a fan. Not one bit. I’m already queuing up my Dazed and Confused soundtrack to cleanse my palette after this filth.
Track 14: “not a lesson to be endured, but one to grow from…”
The only lesson I’ve learned here is to not pick up the phone when MetalSucks calls.
Track 15: “Treading”
And another thing, what’s with those riffs that sound like alarm clocks going off? I’d go off on a whole tangent if this wasn’t the last track. Maybe next time.
0/5 stars, clearly. Would it hurt the site for me to review some Bad Company? I might just hang my ass out in the breeze and do it anyway. We’ll see how brazen I’m feeling next week. Disgruntled Dad out.
Check out the new Static Dress record here.