Oh, fuck yeah. I’ve been in something of a low place recently, what with my brief foray into Satanism with the new Archgoat a few weeks ago, and my offputtingly enjoyable experience listening to Anthrax during my last review, so I feel like I need a reset.
Luckily, my editor over at MetalSucks decided to not be an insufferable shit for once in her worthless life, and gave me the green light to introduce a little wholesomeness to you wannabe purveyors of the Dark Arts.
That’s right, motherfucker, get ready to be bukkaked by the Love of Christ.
Here’s my review of the new Stryper, and if you don’t like it you’re more than welcome to get mouthfucked by Lucifer for all eternity. See if I care.
Track 1: Throne of Thorns
I feel bad for being so harsh in that intro. Now, with that being said, will I admit to being wrong? Fuck no.
Track 2: Here in Your Heart
Oh, hell yeah. That opening riff belongs in the goddamn Library of Congress. Speaking of which, this shit needs to be mandatory in public schools, like prayer. I’ll save that soapbox speech for another time, but you know it’s coming.
Track 3: Falling
You know what? Fuck it. They kicked Jesus out of our public schools, and then what happened? Kids are using litterboxes instead of bathrooms, if Fox News is telling the truth, and I’ve never known them to embellish anything or have any sort of agenda. That bullshit wouldn’t be happening if they were playing Stryper during the morning announcements, I’ll tell you that much.
Track 4: I’m Alright (I’m Okay)
I love this and, more importantly, so does God.
Track 5: Waiting For You
This is inspiring me to haul my old Gibson out of storage. I know it drives my old lady Doreen fucking crazy, but see if I give a toss. She can bitch all she wants. It won’t stop me from rockin’.
Track 6: Carry the Flame
Wait, nevermind. She’s in the living room watching Virgin River and I don’t want to bother her.
Track 7: Hollywood
7 tracks in, and these guys haven’t let up one bit. Is Stryper in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or do I need to go off on another Reddit rant? I swear, it hasn’t been the same ever since they let Missy Elliott in.
Track 8: Beautifully Broken
Big surprise: another stellar tune. Praise the Lord!
Track 9: Ashes to Roses
I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say this is the best album any band has ever released, ever.
Track 10: Alone Again
It’s heart-wrenching that there’s only one song after this. They’re really making sure it closes out with a bang, though.
Track 11: Shadowbreaker
Good thing you can’t see my eyes welling with tears over how much of a transformative experience listening to this album has been for me. I’m going right back to Track 1 after I finish this review for you freaks.
There you have it. 5/5, of course. It feels good that I’m finally using my incredible music-reviewing skills to spread the Gospel. Love you, Jesus.
As for the rest of you degenerate fucks, see you next week.