Another dumb Wednesday, another week I, Smokey Goretooth, bring you a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real-life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.
This week’s submission comes from a user called “p00pd0wns69,” who really takes their love of the game quite seriously. Let’s get into it…
The title says it all really, but for backstory:
Something me and my band really enjoy are those videos of drummers in hard/metalcore bands adding the most random sounds and samples to play before they hit a blastbeat or breakdown or something. It’s seriously so funny depending on what the clip is specifically, and since I’m the drummer, I wanted to try it for our band. I didn’t tell anyone I was doing this so that I could really surprise them at our next show.
I spent a good week or two just looking for what I thought would be the funniest shit, and I recorded EVERYTHING. Like arguments with my girlfriend, my cat throwing up a hairball, my dad yelling at football—all sorts of stuff. I feel like I really struck gold, though, after the band ate at a food truck after practice and our vocalist didn’t handle it very well.
More like his asshole didn’t handle it well. Whatever he got gave him a full-on explosion, with him barricading himself in the bathroom at our practice space for like an hour. It was loud and very angry, and me and the other dudes were standing near the door, cracking the fuck up. I snuck my phone out and started recording some top-tier material, even capturing some of his sounds along with him screaming bloody murder and the rest of us absolutely dying in the background.
Fast forward a week or so and we’re playing our next gig. I’ve already practiced this in my free time, so I know exactly the song and breakdown I wanna use this piece of sheer gold for, and no one’s the wiser. I’m full of endless excitement as our set begins, with the star of my individual show being our third-to-last song. As we’re gearing up for that breakdown, I almost can’t contain myself as I hit that sample button, and it seems like damn near everyone in the room could recognize what it was even if they didn’t know who it came from. The butt bullets, the cries for help from the toilet—laughter overtook everyone from what I could tell, but our vocalist spun around and threw daggers at me with his eyes before he had to keep singing. It seemed like the whole thing kinda tripped him up for the rest of the set, but I honestly wanted to keep playing it over and over.
After the show was over and we got backstage, he immediately b-lined for me and cussed me all the way out, saying that I somehow betrayed him by making everyone hear his bottom bellows blasting out of a speaker. I told him that I’m sorry I hurt his feelings, but it was objectively funny and if he didn’t pitch a fit over it, no one would even know it was him.
I still have no regrets for doing it, but do I suck for turning his bowel bloodbath into audio gold?
Well, that’s all, folks. This is one of my favorite submissions ever, 10/10 no notes. But does p00pd0wns69 suck more than his bud’s butt was blowing out? Pop off in the comments.