HERRRRRRRE’S JOHNNY!
That’s a new, original phrase I am trying out.
That’s right, Gob Squad; THIS THURSDAY it is time for me to make my long-anticipated return to the big screen. Well, I guess the size of the screen depends on your laptop or phone, and my phone is a Nokia flip phone with a tiny screen, spotty service, and a permanent chocolate stain, but I did manage to get to level four on Snake yesterday, so EAT IT, iPhone freaks! That begs another question: if movie theaters call it the silver screen, what do you call it when your short film will mostly be viewed on a phone screen? I guess you could say I am going to be back on the black mirror, which does sound pretty friggin’ metal!
We will be releasing our first of THREE shorts, aptly titled: No One Survives… THE SERIES. Yeah, an ode to where it all began, and much like the original music video, a camera crew followed me around, documenting my every move; only this time, they didn’t want to see me at work, which may or may not be because my life-insurance company said that it would “legally and morally be a terrible idea” since during said original “No One Survives” shoot I allegedly attacked my boss, Brad. An event my company now refers to as “The great HR disaster of 2012.” This time, they wanted to get more of a peek behind the peeking behind-the-ears and follow me on my journey to and from work. In this first of three episodes, titled “No One Survives: an Uber,” which drops this Thursday on Nekrogoblitube! Let me tell ya, this Uber driver I had was terrible. Quite possibly the worst! I don’t wanna spoil the ending, but let’s just say Ubers are a RIP-OFF… literally. 😉
THAT’S NOT ALL, FOLKS!
Another new, original phrase I am trying out – what do you think so far?
My band decided, in honor of this new chapter of No One Survives, that maybe it was time to revisit the song, so guess what? WE DID. The premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon went into the studio with its current, rockin’ lineup and re-recorded “No One Survives,” with my best friend Dickie Allen on growls and the majestic, golden-green vocals of a little goblin you might have heard of, singing the epic choruses… that’s right, ME. Can you believe it? From being the subject of a music video to singing on the new, reimagined track of that very same song, which will be available wherever you stream your tunes – ALSO THIS THURSDAY!!!
You should be green with envy, cause, hand to Gob, I am living the dream!
You may be wondering, “John, did you always know you were going to be a star?” Thank you for asking, GQ Magazine… I did, actually. My earliest gobhood memory was at my village’s annual “Gobs & Ghouls Talent Show,” hosted by our most famous green guy, GARY GOBLIN (pictured below). What a legend.
My name was called; I stepped into the spotlight, hit my mark, and… that’s when we were invaded BY TROLLS. So no, I didn’t get to perform my interpretive dance set to the soundtrack of 2001: A Space Odyssey… but one could say, I caught the bug… the acting bug… in addition to a nasty cold, trolls are disgusting and never was their hands so I definitely caught some kind of sinus bug that put me out for a few weeks. After my parents decided my planet was no longer safe to live on, they sent me to the one place they knew their budding star would blossom: Los Angeles. They strapped me to a rocket with one granola bar and my iPad, and fired me straight at LA… and missed it by like six exits. That’s how I ended up in the second entertainment capital of the world, Reseda, CA. Years of struggling with crappy day jobs while taking expensive acting classes at night. Eventually, they kicked me out for “never remembering my lines” and “biting my scene partners.” But I knew I was destined to become Daniel Gob–Lewis one day! Anthony Gobkins! OR at the very least, Gobrey Plaza!
THERE’S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT!
The third, original phrase I am toying with.
Here I am, starring in not one, but THREE horror-comedy shorts, playing the most complex, sexy, heroic role of a lifetime: Myself. The least you could do is watch it on Thursday the second it’s released, 600 times should do, then, like it, comment something nice, and then share it with 2 million of your friends! Thank you, humans; you’re doing Gob’s work.
Next stop: THE ACADEMY AWARDS, or at the very least the MTV Movie Awards, or at the very, very least, we’ll end up on Tubi.