Dave Mustcomplain here. Listen. I may have lost myself for a bit during my review of the new Archgoat album, and that’s okay.
Doreen and I went down to Faith Lutheran and talked to Pastor Mark, and seeing as how I never officially committed apostasy, I can still be welcomed into the loving bosom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when I die. Phew!
So here I am, back reviewing this godless bullshit for you long-haired ne’er-do-wells, and I’m going to start with a band from New York City, of all places. You know the place: run by a Socialist and ripe with the foul stink of the Tempter. I’ve never been, but Jesse Watters regularly tells me how much of a collapsing hellhole the Democrats have made it, and that’s as educating as an actual visit would be.
Anyway, here’s my review of the new album by Anthrax, and if you haven’t yet caught on, I’m going to be overly critical.
Track 1: Persistence of Memory
Only a minute long? Skip.
Track 2: The Long Goodbye
Wait, this band sings, and doesn’t do that growling bullshit? Hmm…
Track 3: It’s For the Kids
I don’t like this. I swear to God, I don’t, because I hate New York and everybody from it (aside from America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani, of course). Therefore, I must fight every urge to enjoy this. Goddamnit MetalSucks, why are you doing this to me?
Track 4: Everybody’s Got a Plan
I am closing my eyes and imagining every member of this band voting for Zohran Mamdani to keep myself from having a good time.
Track 5: The Edge of Perfection
Some people think my fear and hatred of New York City contrast sharply with the “9/11 – Never Forget” bumper sticker on the back of my Ford F-150, and I honestly don’t have a good response to that.
Track 6: Infectious
Ugh, fuck. I like this.
Track 7: NYC 93
Thank you, Anthrax, for reminding me of your hometown. I’m strong. I can get to the end of this album without looking upon it favorably.
Track 8: Cursum Perficio
Oh hell yeah, listen to that rockin’ guitar solo, and—STOP IT, DAVE!
Track 9: T.O.M.B.
Think about your freshly repaired relationship with the Son of God, Dave. Are you prepared to throw it all away for these killer thrash riffs? You know He despises that godless cesspit they come from even more than you do!
Track 10: Watch It Go
I’m going to be honest. I turned the volume down on this so I would no longer be lured into nodding along to Joey Belladonna’s Siren’s wail. Hopefully the last track is just another minute of skippable nothing.
Track 11: My Victory
Almost five minutes. FUCK!
That’s it. I can’t. I CAN’T, but I can’t stop myself: 5/5 stars. Oh God, what have I done? Tears are streaming down my face.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to reevaluate every life choice I’ve made up to this point. I’ll see you next week if I’m able to get out of bed before then.
Dave Mustcomplain out.