Alright, is this supposed to be some kind of a practical joke or something? Here I am, lying in my hospital bed after my fourth heart attack, and MetalSucks assigns me an article by some band called Left to Die? Hahaha, really fucking funny guys. If my strength wasn’t temporarily reduced to that of a blue-haired barista, I’d drive over to their goddamn office and kick all their asses.
Anyway, the doc said I’d be alright if I cut back on the trans fats and start getting some exercise, and Doreen’s going to stock the fridge with all sorts of bullshit rabbit food to keep me alive forever. Looks like I won’t be working my real job for a couple months, so I’ll be relying on my side hustle as a metal reviewer until I’m back on my feet fulfilling the heating and cooling needs of the fine people of Bloomington. Enough about the current state of my sorry ass, though. Let’s get this Christ-forsaken review out of the way.
Track 1: “Legion of Doom”
I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy this the second I saw that opening title. Well, that and the creepy-ass album cover. What’s up with this goth shit that you creepy fucks are always listening to? If you’re so into cemeteries, why don’t you go live in one? Maybe then the roads would be less congested and it wouldn’t take my entire shitting lunch break to drive to Wendy’s and back.
Track 2: “Archangel”
Not like I’ll be eating any more of it in the foreseeable future, anyway. Personally, I fail to see the correlation between my daily Big Bacon Classic Combo and my recent need for another quadruple bypass, but try telling Doreen that. Ugh, and she’s going to make me eat all sorts of vegetables like some soy-boy liberal for the next few months. Don’t be surprised if I’ve grown a set of tits by next week.
Track 3: “Power of Darkness”
Apparently this band is re-recording the 80s demo songs of some other band called Death, which my editor over at MetalSucks seemed to hold in high regard. Well, if they were so good, how come I didn’t hear them in any of the Iron Eagle soundtracks?
Track 4: “Zombie”
Woof, I just got so excited thinking about those harrowing scenes of Doug Masters stealing the F-16 fighter and rescuing his father that my heart started to palpitate again. I’d better goose this morphine drip a little bit to calm myself down.
Track 5: “Witch of Hell”
You know what? I’m starting to feel a lot better. Even this music is starting to grate on me a little less. It’s got some neat drumming and the vocals are pretty creepy and cool, and I really dig the whammy bar in the guitar solo.
Track 6: “Rise of Satan”
I’m not sure if this is the morphine talking, but I may be a full-on metalhead now. I’m really enjoying this song too, despite its blasphemous lyrics. Eh, if we were all made in the image of God, that includes these Left to Die freaks, so let them belch about how much they love Asmodeus or whatever. I’ll be enjoying it.
Track 7: “Summoned to Die”
Not only are these tunes sounding great, I’m starting to love everything in general. All those past albums I shit on, the godless Democrats up in Chicago, those punk kids on their Huffies who called me a fat bitch in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot last week. Hell, I’ve got love for all of them now. This is great.
Track 8: “Mantas”
I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for the way I’ve treated the metal community over the past few months. It was wrong of me to hate on your albums, and I truly hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Track 9: “Slaughterhouse”
I think the morphine is starting to wear off, and the nurse just came in to tell me I’m cut off until tomorrow evening. I feel like this euphoria’s fading, too.
Track 10: “Death By Meta”
Ugh, this song’s going to give me another fucking heart attack. I can’t believe I liked it five minutes ago.
There you have it. 2/5 stars. Sorry, my judgment was clouded there for a few songs. Hopefully, I’ll be completely off the dope and back out on the streets raising hell the next time you see me. In the meantime, I’m going to have a talk with my editor about maybe covering an album that doesn’t completely eat its own asshole. Dave Mustcomplain out.